The Demented mind!:

A foggy morning, peace, silence and I was drawn deeply into my dream. Suddenly, the sound of water running from tap startled my subconscious mind. I wake up and see the things around my room. Everything was scattered here and there , i came out from the bed and tried to manage those stuffs little. That day, I was. feeling a kind of headache. I was feeling very heavy. I went outside the room to get some fresh air ,beautiful flowers smiling , shrivelling in the morning cold and the fog is rushing so fast like it has to reach thousand miles away before the sun raises. The slight rays of sun were chasing it from far distance. Birds were chirping from there nest and conversing with each other in a very melodious way.
Things were dimly visible like my state of mind. I am going through the same blurred fog situation, since some days. Somewhere in the depth of my heart ,something had broken the ice and an unidentifiable part of me had began to melt in it. I don’t know what the journey will bring but I know this feeling is suffocating me from inside. I don’t know what to do, and what not to do. That’s the very unexplainable situation I was going through. I felt like my feet are moving but I am still at the same position. I was moving towards the light at the other end knowing surrounded by darkness on all sides. I am not a kind of person who easily loose hope on small things but this time things totally turn different .I am in the edge that everything could be change after that. A little try to find something more, and to find perfection in imperfection is what I used to do. But things are totally reministic these days.
Everyone have their own priorities in life but I don’t know what is mine.
I took a deep breathe felt the cool breeze for sometime and get relaxed. I sat down behind the veranda which is nearby main door of hostel and watch the view for some minutes. I don’t know exactly from which point my mind has fallen into such deep oceans of thoughts. Everything was going well, I had my final 7th semester exam since 2 months .I was busy during preparing things ,doing assignment and those little stuffs at college. I was so much excited and prepared a lot of things that I will do after having my exam finished but everything does not happen as we expected it to be. Suddenly ,a halt exist on my daily routine, a complete stop and I felt like nothing can be continued further. The reason was a sudden strike in my college. This is not the very first time at college , neither I am experiencing it for the first time. It had happened for several times. Things are same but the situation or feeling that I am going through is different one.
I used to spend the days during vacation being at home, wondering from place to place , visiting friends, relatives ,roaming places and living in home carefree. But this time I am numb, there exist a internal fear which I can’t explicit. Do I really fear for my ambitions??Do I fear about my career or is there anything else which I can’t discover in myself yet.
I am a simple girl, who dreams in a ordinary way ,I have limitation even in my dreams. Life has tought me a great lessons through various highs and lows. I felt pretty much happy being through those situation. At least I learned a emotional state of mind through different phases.
Nowadays, I feel a difference in my own behaviour. Everyday I used to wakeup with strong aspirations but these days are like hopeless. I am confused on everything that I do. I sat down into in-depth thinking , lost in thoughts where I couldn’t find myself.
I certainly wanted a change in my life but I was not sure how it was going to happen. Time and again a counter thought would knock at the doors of my conscience and ask me if it was perfectly all right to allow everything to proceed the way it was happening. It wasn’t going to be for the first time but it was going to be after so long a time. I used to wonder why people mask their varied emotion from each other but now same thing happen to me. I am masking my own feelings from others and from myself.
These days are tough for me but I realize now slowly everything is going to happen well. Maybe, that was my internal conflict or whatever else. Now, I am looking for better days to come. Seeing hope in such hopeless condition is what I learnt from so called real nightmare. Now, something unidentified has broken the ice and I began to melt in that situation. Some memories remain inseparable from us , I can’t remain separated from those memories but ready to move being with such memories attached. I am floating in a oblivious sea of simple questions .And now, searching in the seek inside me has always been a daily routine. When happiness does not make us happy, we have to choose another way of living life. And I am doing the same.